


Inching closer

by EbbaTriesToWrite



Series: The Old Guard - tumblr request fills [7]
Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Booker | Sebastien le Livre Needs Therapy, Booker | Sebastien le Livre Needs a Hug, Communication, Gen, Guilt, Platonic Cuddling, Touch-Starved, for once lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:49:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26414446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EbbaTriesToWrite/pseuds/EbbaTriesToWrite
Summary: “I’m sorry for being this way.” Booker mumbles, he’s still curled up under the covers, back turned to him but Joe can imagine the guilty look on his face.“You don’t need to apologise.” Joe balls his hands into fist to resist the urge to reach out and rub his back, “Can you just talk to me?”“What do you want me to say?” he sounds so defeated.“Why?” Joe whispers, throat feeling tight all of the sudden, “Why do you not want us to touch you?”
Relationships: Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani
Series: The Old Guard - tumblr request fills [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1881205
Comments: 21
Kudos: 293





	Inching closer

Sometimes he flinches when they touch him, as if it hurts, as if burns. Other times he freezes, tenses up like he’s a scared animal, unable to even move because of the amount of glutamate passing through his synapses. 

They try to change the way they approach him, moving slowly and obviously but Joe thinks that’s almost worse. Because he can see the way Booker’s eyes dart around the room, desperately searching for an escape that he never takes. He apologises each time he notices how much his behaviour hurts them and it just makes them feel worse. 

They’d thought they’d be happy when they reunited, all of them together again. Having healed from what had happened all those years ago. But it seems Booker hasn’t been healing like they thought he would. He’s gotten worse and none of them know how to fix it, how to fix him. 

“It’s just overwhelming.” Booker admits quietly one night, shoulders hunched and keeping his head down, “To be back like this.” 

“What do you want us to do?” Nile asks and it’s ironic how she reaches out to place a hand on his arm but she manages to catch herself, hand hovering awkwardly in the air. “Sorry.” she mumbles, pulling her hand back.

“It’s okay.” Booker smiles but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and Joe realises it never does, even before, “I’ll try to get better.” 

He leaves before they can try to figure out how to accomplish that and Joe feels like a failure. He’s always been good with words, but when it comes to Booker, spouting poetics doesn’t exactly feel like the right thing to do. He doesn’t see the world the way they do, and they don’t see what he does. 

Andy had confided in them once, that she thought her and Booker were the same. That their pain and anger with the world was something mutual, but after the betrayal she had realised that he was never angry, he was just sad and broken. Andy was always able to fill the cracks in her soul with some kind of purpose, sometimes with hope. Booker wasn’t able to do that. 

Joe gets up off the creaky couch and pads up stairs, he raps his knuckles against the door and waits for Booker to tell him he can enter. Before, he’d just storm inside and sprawl himself on the bed besides the younger man, but now it doesn’t feel quite right and he seats himself on the edge of the bed, trying not to think about the still unpacked bag in the corner of the room.

“I’m sorry for being this way.” Booker mumbles, he’s still curled up under the covers, back turned to him but Joe can imagine the guilty look on his face. 

“You don’t need to apologise.” Joe balls his hands into fist to resist the urge to reach out and rub his back, “Can you just talk to me?” 

“What do you want me to say?” he sounds so defeated. 

“Why?” Joe whispers, throat feeling tight all of the sudden, “Why do you not want us to touch you?” 

There’s a silence that follows and Joe wonders if Booker has managed to fall asleep. He turns his head to look at him, only the top of his head is visible. He’s hiding again, like he always is.

“It’s not that I don’t want it.” Booker says eventually and Joe waits for him to elaborate, sighing when he realises he won’t.

“Then what is it?” he tries to keep the frustration out of his tone but it doesn’t quite work. 

“I don’t deserve it.” 

Joe lets out a shuddering breath, a lump forming in his gut and it’s making him feel sick. It doesn’t surprise him but it still fucking hurts to hear him say it. The idea of denying yourself of something that is ultimately a human need for survival is so detrimental and really, isn’t that completely on brand for Booker? 

“You do.” Joe grabs the covers and pulls it back to lay down behind Booker, not even touching him yet but he’s already so tense, or maybe he has been since Joe entered his room, “You do deserve it.” 

“After what I did-”

“The rest of us are over it.” Joe interrupts and lays a tentative hand on Booker’s arm, ignoring the way he shivers at the contact, “We trust you won’t do anything like that again,” he runs his hand up and down in small, light movements, “and you won’t, right?” 

“Of course not.” Booker is fast to assure. 

“Then why do you keep punishing yourself?” he shuffles a bit closer, chest now against Booker’s broad back, “Being stuck in the past is no way to move forward. You know this.” 

It isn’t a question but Booker still answers, “I do.” 

“Then let yourself have this.” Joe lets his hand fall forward, pressing it to Booker’s chest, keeping it light but he can still feel the thundering heartbeat under his palm, “What are you so scared of?” 

“It’s stupid.” 

“I don’t care.” he shifts so that he can get his other arm up and he places it over Booker’s head, “Tell me.” 

“What if it happens again?” Booker’s breath hitches ever so slightly, “What if I do something and you decide that I’m not worth keeping around anymore, and I’ll have to get used to,” he trails off for a moment and Joe waits even as he feels a stabbing pain in his chest, he wonders if Booker can feel it against his back, “I’ll have to get used to not having it again. I can’t-”

“You just said you won’t do anything like that again.” Joe reminds him gently, figuring logic would be the best way about this, “And so we won’t send you away.” 

“But-” Booker turns his face into his pillow but it does little to muffle his cries and Joe runs his fingers through his hair and he can feel the way his body relaxes against him, just ever so slightly. 

“You’ll always be worth keeping around Sebastien.” Joe mumbles, pressing his lips to the nape of his neck, “We love you so much.” 

“I don’t understand it.” Booker croaks out even as he reaches up to place his hand over Joe’s.

“You don’t have to.” Joe slips his hand out from under Booker’s to place his on top, pressing down, “You just have to know that we do. As long as this,” he taps their interlocked hands over Booker’s heart, “keeps beating, we will love you and then some. Forever, we will love you. You just have to let us. Okay?” 

Booker sobs, heartbreaking and ugly sounds ripped from his throat but Joe just stays quiet, keeps running his fingers through his hair and squeezing his hand tightly. And then, eventually Booker calms down, body completely lax against Joe’s and for a moment he thinks he might have just passed out.

“I’ll try.” Booker’s voice is raspy and small but Joe thinks it might just be the strongest thing he’s ever heard. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! 
> 
> This is a request fill from an ask on Tumblr, come talk to me over there pls:  
> [EbbaTriesToWrite](https://ebbatriestowrite.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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